I don't know how many of you or which one of you who knows me will read this,
But i'm still gonna pour it out on this post anyway. I haven't blogged for the longest time ever. And i'm still surprised that this blog is still in function.
For the past years, i have posted all kinds of shit on this blog of mine, be it happy or sad. Sadly, I leave you guys with this one final post, to send a message, to a paticular person. I don't care whether you guys think that i'm weak, but i am breaking down as i type this, and i know that it's time for me to be strong.
I'm 20 this year. This is a story about a girl whom i fell in love with. I had a girlfriend. I had known her for 8 years and we were together for 4 years offically. She was my first girlfriend. When I was together with her, we had our happy and sad times, just like every other couple. We went through a lot of shit together.
THE HAPPINESS:
When it all started, it was all happiness. We loved the company of each other. We wrote letters to each other even though we were just a class away, and we would have our friends pass the letters to one another. We would wait for one another to end their CCA on saturdays. I would purposely ask for permission to go to the toilet just to walk past her class to catch a glimpse of her. She would peek at me at the parade square when she was running around the hall on the second floor. We would purposely sit beside each other during morning assembly.
It was all so sweet it seemed like a fairytale. Yes, we had quarrels and time outs. But during this period, the affection just overwhelmed everything. Everyone looked up to the time we were together as a couple. The years and happy times went past so quickly. Year by year passed. Both of us were equally stubborn people. There were times we just lost our temper at each other so badly, and it strained everything so much.
THE HARD TIMES:
Without fail, we spend our birthdays with each other. We surprised each other with presents. We did everything together as a couple. We went out on dates , we went overseas, we took photos, we did stupid stuff together, we teased each other, we shared memories. But there were the hard times. We could be out and end up quarrelling at times. There were times when i would just blow my top on her, critize her for minor stuff, making her feel so inferior, picking on her flaws, making fun of her when deep down, it hurt her.
There were times, she ignored me, refusing to solve problems due to the nature of her character. Times where she walked away from me, times when we just couldn't hold on anymore, but managed to in the end, because of the love, the bond, and the affection we shared throughout these years. There were times, she got so depressed over us, she tried taking her life. There were times, i ran away from everything, refusing to contact anyone. Making everyone worried about me, most importantly, her. She went to all the places we would go, contacted all my friends to see if i had called anyone, all because she loved me so fucking much. And there were times i just couldn't see it.
There were times when i was so heartbroken and crushed, i slapped her. Not once, but twice. I couldn't have imagined how she felt, the man whom she loved the most laying his hands on her.
She must felt really crushed, but i couldn't turn back the clock. Times when her friends told her to give up on me, and times when my friends told me to give up on her, but throughout these, we made it through, holding hands, going strong. Times when i walked away for the first time, but ended up chasing after her in the end. Times when she waited for me for hours under my block, just because our relationship were on the rocks, and times when i did the same under her block.
Times when i knelt down to beg for her forgiveness, and she doing the same to ask for mine. Times when we just hugged each other and cried our hearts out. Times when both of us silently knew that there were cracks which were too hard to repair.
THE END:
She sacrificed a lot for me, made so much time for me, and sometimes, i would just end up disappointing her, time after time. But still, she held on, strong. Till 3 months ago, she just couldn't take the pain anymore. Times when we wanted each other so badly were ending. Tears have been shed till we were both too tired. Both of us were bruised and broken. I could tell that she just didn't have the strength to carry on anymore. How i wished i could be the one telling her, its gonna be alright, we are gonna get over this. Sadly, she couldn't see the point of holding on anymore.
We finally called it quits. She was already used to being alone. I neglected her for far too long. Both of us let each other down before but this time, the blame was on me. Times, when she cried herself to sleep when i was out partying my night away. Times when i was supposed to go out with her but not making it because i was out clubbing the night before and overslept. I tried winning her back, starting again as friends, but i knew, that this was really going to be the end. She just couldn't take the pain anymore, and the same went for me. We parted ways for good.
We bumped into each other a few times during these few months, but no words were spoken and no emotions were showed in front of one another. Although i was dying to run to her and hold her in my arms. There were no text messages, no conversations. We were not friends on facebook and twitter anymore. I couldn't find a way to tell her how much i still loved her and wanted to treasure her. We just couldn't face each other anymore.
The purpose of me typing this isn't to show how much we have been through, or how long we lasted. It is because i just want people to know that i once shared a love with someone so great, we were invincible. And there are times i just look at all the photos i took with her and end up weeping. I put a strong front these three months in front of all my friends, smiling and laughing and joking, but somewhere inside me, i was dying little by little.
THANK YOU AND SORRY:
Today, i found out that she's finally in love again. She's now attached to one of my friends. It hurts like hell to find out instead of him telling me the truth. It hurts like hell to see the person i love being together with someone else. It hurts like hell to live in the past. It hurts like hell to find out that she has moved on. All I have now are digital photos, and she took all the letters, all the photographs back.
I'm typing this to reflect on my actions these past few years. But i am thankful. I am thankful for everything that has happened to me. I have not and will never regret any of the times i have spend together with you, Ros. I wanna say thank you and sorry for some of the things that have happened.
Thank you:
For all the presents you bought for me: The G shock, the fcuk shirt and watch, the new look boots, the pair of nudie, the superman t shirt, the blink 182 t shirt.
All the surprises you gave me:
Turning up early to decorate the place for my 18th birthday. Baking cookies for me. Baking a cake for my 17th birthday. The watch you left on my bed when i was in the kitchen. the nudie you bought for me on my 19th birthday although you were incredibly broke.
All the times you spent with me:
the KL trip, the Hong Kong trip, all the JB trips, the zoo trip, the trip to my grandma's place in Malaysia, functions that my family invited you to, and vice versa. all the dates we went out on, all the times spent on lying on my bed and doing nothing in each other's arms and all the places that we went.
For the care you have shown me:
buying fish soup and porridge for me when i'm sick. hiding near my studio just to wait for me to end work and pass me strepsils and herbal candy because i complained of a sore throat. buying food for me when i injured myself when riding and couldn't walk. Putting wet towels on my head when i'm having fevers. kissing me when i am snoring beside you.
For all the love you have given me. Thank you.
I am sorry:
For being unreasonable: scolding you when you walked too slow, when you ate too slow or when you didn't want to eat. scolding you because i always think that i am right. being mad at you when you are late.
For hurting you physically: for the two slaps i gave you out of anger and desperation. for pushing you when we are arguing. for hurting you when i grab your hand and refused to let you walk away at times.
For hurting you emotionally: for insulting you and scolding you vulgarities. for walking away in anger and leaving you alone. for being insensitive and only blame you on your faults, not looking at my own.
For neglecting you: for oversleeping on dates, for giving excuses not to meet you so as to meet my friends. clubbing all the time, not stopping even when you went down on your knees and begged me to quit clubbing. for lying all the fucking time.
I am sorry.
I hope that some way, somehow, you will get to read this. You meant everything to me, you still mean the world to me, and now, its time for me to stand here and watch you go. I still love you, and i will do. I sincerely wish you all the best, and no matter what happens, just a call, and i'll be at the usual place. I wish you happiness in your new relationship and for your future and i will never forget the times we had.
Thank you for everything Roseline.
I love you.
; how far we've come
